Sorry for the absence last week.  My stepfather passed, and we left from his funeral to drive to Maryland and see Husbear’s family.  It’s been a little brutal to say the least.

This week, I’m still using The Wildwood Tarot, and I’ll probably be using it for a while.  I just really love it, and it’s becoming very comforting and familiar to me.  That’s important to me right now.

In the past position, we have the Two of Bows, or Decision.  So at some point in the past, we made a decision about something.  Looking at the card, there’s a lot of firey symbolism, so it was a passionate, important decision.  It could have been that we needed to burn something away or take motivated action and move forward on something.  Either way, we were called upon to take control of a situation.

In the present position, we have the King of Stones (or Wolf) reversed.  In the upright position, this card would indicate security, health, and loyalty.  But for some reason, we aren’t feeling that right now.  Something is really ruining our sense of well-being, whether physical, mental, or emotional.

In the future position, we have the Knight of Vessels (or Eel).  The eel is traveling smoothly through the waters of emotion, seduction, and also personal revelation.  So out of the decision we’ve made in the past, and even the upheaval we’re feeling right now in the present, we will find our path and it will be smooth.  We will learn about ourselves, and there is an indication of potential romance or deep emotional connection.

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So I’ve mentioned before that I use The Revelations Tarot when someone is dying, or to talk to the dead.  I honestly thought that my stepfather would be coming home from the hospital, so I didn’t use that deck to ask about his chances.  Instead, I used the Wildwood deck, and The Wheel came up, followed by The Empress.  I thought that was a good sign, and so I honestly thought that he would be OK.  Basically, I read what I wanted to read.

Now, looking back, I see that The Wheel meant a serious turn in his health, and our lives being turned upside down when he passed.  The Empress was my mother, who is now alone.   It’s funny how even after reading for 30 years, I can still trick myself into seeing what I want to see like that.  You’d think I would have learned by now.

After he did pass, I used The Revelations Tarot, and the reading was, as always, incredibly meaningful, personal, and true-feeling.  I won’t go into details here, but it was a very moving experience.

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As all this was happening, I found myself going through a lot of other changes as well.  I had been trying to figure out my commitment to working on a relationship that had been suffering lately, and it ended abruptly the night that my stepdad passed.  The ending was my fault, and I regret how it went down.  I was an asshole.  To be fair, it was just a bad night, and I took an honest, though insensitive, mistake really badly.

There’s another confusing, frustrating situation that I’ve been consumed by lately, and I’m just giving up on it.  I’m done.  I need to cauterize those feelings and move on, because it’s never going to go where I want it to go.

All of this to say that I’m giving up on poly for a while.  I still believe in poly, and I know that both I and Bear have enough love to spill over onto other people without lessening our love or commitment at all.  But I just can’t deal with all the extraneous emotional bullshit that comes with it.  I have to rein my feelings in, and poly honestly just complicates everything.  I’m over it.

I need to dedicate myself to something.  Cooking and kitchen witchery are figuring predominantly in my life right now, though our kitchen is inadequately air conditioned, and that’s really affecting my enthusiasm.  I have an idea for (yet another) book, and I’m working on that now.  I’m really excited about it, and it will be a companion to another book I’ve half-way written.  I’m going to work on them both simultaneously, and I’m really stoked about them.  So I’m closing my OKCupid profile, and starting a new Scrivener project.  Seems like a good trade-off, right?

As always, things are lovely with my husbear.  He’s my everything, and he’s really seen me through all of this.  Between him and a close friend, I feel very supported, and that’s an amazing feeling.  I’m very lucky- a lot of people don’t have that.  I wish everyone had someone in their lives who asked them if they’re OK when they’re going through a hard time, and honestly cared enough to listen.  It’s a big deal.

Blessed be!  <3